Out there....

I mailed the letters on the 2nd, so she could have received them yesterday or she will get them today. I was so nervous about putting my letter in the mail. A part of me wanted to get the letter back from the mail lady, so I could open it up and reread it one more time to make sure that it was okay and to double check the photos that I put in the envelope. I resisted the urge and let it go. I wonder how she will feel getting three letters addressed to her from us. I wonder which one she read first and how did she chose which one? I wonder how she reacted to Bethany's cute letter. It was perfectly written by a sweet almost 8 year old. I loved her letter and it just warmed my heart. Then, there's Kyle's letter, which came straight from his heart. He was very open and very direct. His first sentence was, "Hi, I'm your younger brother, but we have different dads." What a powerful statement. He also let her know that he's very interested in meeting her, whereas Bethany asked her many questions, so she could get to know her that way. My letter was a sample of me; loving, dorky, kind of funny, really dorky, and simply just me. I think I represented myself and my children well.

I wonder if she's going to write back or if we are going to hear from her. I know that this journey will unfold how it's supposed to, so it's out of my hands. I'm just hoping for the best.

During Mass, our priest was saying that we should not live as hypocrites. My children are not allowed to say bad words, but I can. His sermon was more insightful, but that was the core message. It really struck home with me on several levels. Curse words sometimes flow freely from my lips, but it has gotten way better than it used to be. I'm trying hard to not use curse words any more. I don't want to live my life as, "Do as I say, not as I do." Another area that I've been thinking about has been my half-brother, Bill. In May, we talked about having lunch, but it never happened. I've been thinking a lot about it, and now that I've written Caitlin and I let her know that if she ever wants to meet me, I'm here waiting with open arms. How can I expect her to reach out and meet me, if I can't reach out again and ask Bill to go to lunch with me. I would be a hypocrite if I didn't reach out one more time, or at least in my eyes that's what I see. So, last night, I called Bill and left him a message. I asked him if he was still interested in having lunch, and if so, I told him the days that I'm available. I also told him that I would come down to him or we could meet half way.

I feel peaceful.